Freud would have a field day.

In addition to Buddhism, I've been doing some reading on Freudian psychology. Specifically his studies and ideas about dreaming. I've often thought that dreams were really relevant to life, the windows into true subconscious desires and wants.

Recently my dreams have been pulling me in multiple directions. Specifically three. I don't want to seem shallow here, but I am a sixteen year old girl. Yes, the dreams are romantic dreams. No, I don't think I will act on them soon. Maybe not ever.

So my three directions? Probably predictable, to those who know me. But I don't want to mention any names.

First direction would be down the road of a certain somebody from my past. We'll call him "Techie."

My dreams involving Techie aren't exclusively romantic. But a lot of the time, they end up with me in a compromising position, often taking some blind leap of faith with him. Sometimes it's literal, meaning he takes my hand and we jump off something that I know is high up. Oh, metaphors. And sometimes it just ends with us doing normal things we used to do, like laying in the grass and me resting my head on him. Sometimes we kiss. It varies.

Second direction would be somebody I pined over for a while but thought I was pretty much over. We'll call him "Actor."

The problem is, I don't get the opportunity to see Actor that often. So when I'm dreaming and he shows up, it's usually a cause for some excitement. In my dreams I'm excited to see him, and somehow we usually end up together on a physical level. This is in stark contrast with Techie, because in those dreams it's usually purely emotional. With Actor, it's usually purely physical. Except sometimes he'll say something like, "I didn't think [insert name of certain inked health nut here] was right for you anyway." And then we kiss a lot. Huh. This might be because Actor and I have the least romantic association of the three in real life.

The third and final is somebody who I "dated" for a brief period, but to be honest, it ended because neither of us had any idea what we were doing. We'll call him "Gamer."

The dreams involving gamer are less intense on both accounts. This may be because he's inexperienced in the field of romance, but he's definitely the least forward and most understated of the three. Most of the dreams are exactly the same, what one would call a recurring dream. We're sitting in his basement playing some video game when he pauses it out of nowhere and kisses me. I'm confused, but not angry. He says, "I suppose that was self explanatory," and it does it again. Then I usually wake up.

The Gamer dreams are the most recent out of all the three, I think because I overheard my friend Papa Smurf tell Gamer he thinks we should get back together. I guess that got me thinking.

If dreams are the windows to the subconscious, I'm pretty conflicted below the surface.

Forty Days Without Food

Hello again. I have returned to the land of modems and internet.

Man can live about forty days without food,
about three days without water,
about eight minutes without air,
but only for one second without hope.
-Author Unknown

Having spent a week in the middle of a forest, surrounded by towering redwood trees, I have a new found respect for packing enough books. I read four books, one of them twice. Most people say its hard to completely withdraw from the world, with all of its convenient technology. But I find it hard to partially withdraw. Over this last week I've had no Internet, no cable, no air conditioning. But I have had cell phone reception. So while most of the world's technology was still unavailable to me, I still had a taste, a taste that made me painfully aware of what I was missing out on back home. It seemed, for the first few days at least, that I couldn't quite escape my life. I'd turn on my phone to call my mom, and find four or five text messages waiting for me. Events missed. As with all things, it took me a while to find a good balance. I spent most of my day playing with my little cousins, reading, hiking (Always look at trail signs, otherwise one ends up hiking 8 miles instead of the planned 4.), swimming in the river, climbing inside trees, reading some more. Then in the evenings, sitting round the campfire after dinner, the phone would come out and I would check to see what I had missed in the past day. Then my brother and I would call my mom and regale her with tales of our day. This last week has helped me see many things, among them the need for balance and quiet.

I can live about eight days without Internet,
about three days without texting,
about four hours without bug spray,
but only for one second without books.

Sever all ties to hope.

I've been brushing up on Buddhist teachings lately on the recommendation of a good friend (who not so coincidentally is a Buddhist) because I've been looking for a little permanance lately. It's normally not my thing, and neither is religion, but because Buddhism is less a religion and more of a spiritually or a belief system, it may just work for me.

So there's this Buddhist belief that one must abandon hope, or sever all ties to hope. This seems kind of depressing and down, but it really means that one should focus on what's going on in their life at the moment, not think so much about the future.

I'm not sure if I agree with this one. I mean, yes, I am a very strong believer in living in the moment, but I also think the future is something that should be considered. Not fretted over or all that matters, but at least thought about wisely.

There's nothing weird about a little oral fixation.

Someday, somebody's going to find the fact that I compulsively chew on plastic adorable.

And find the fact that even the thought of cheese is disgusting to me I still eat pizza and mac and cheese and that gross fake cheese they put on fries weird but also endearing.

The fact that I have anxious spasms will seem totally normal.

The hap-hazardly placed dark brown freckles that are always covered by clothing will be cute.

They will like my hair even though sometimes it resembles a schoolboy's.

And when I say quadcore processor, they will understand and be excited.

Who is your Maude?

There's this fantastic movie from the seventies by the name of Harold and Maude. It's about a young well-to-do boy (Harold) who has a bizarre fascination with death and whose mother keeps trying to marry him to boring, ordinary girls. He meets a wonderfully crazy old woman (Maude) who shows him the beautiful things about living, and they have awesome, hilarious adventures.

So I was wondering, who is my "Maude" in life? There was a couple different people I think it could be, and I had a hard time narrowing it down. But I think I finally figured it out.

We shall make the citizens of Philadelphia confused.

So, I was just speaking to Mike, and watching "Improv Everywhere" on YouTube. It's fantastic! They organize these crazy hilarious scenes in public, like organized musical numbers and turning subway cars into haunted houses. So, we were thinking, in the tradition of those in Improv Everywhere, we would stage our own joyous reunion and or break up that turns into a musical number, somewhere public like Rittenhouse Square. I'm in. Mwahahaha. Philly will not know what hit it.

And We Journey On...

So tomorrow, at 4:30 in the morning, I depart for two weeks in California with my cousins. It promises to be quite a journey, only me and my brother shall be traveling together. If only I can wake up in time for my flight.
On another note, I finally got my permit yesterday! After three attempts, I am at last allowed to drive! So far, I've been out in a few times and have yet to crash the car. So that's good. My mom has a manual transmission. After only a few stalls, I had the hang of it. Kind of. But I took my dad's car out this evening, my first time in traffic. Also a success! So far, so good! On yet another note, while on the ride to the DMV with my mom, we had a talk about liberation theology. Yeah, on the ride to get my permit, we talked about theology. That totally happens. But it was an interesting discussion. Basically, liberation theology is the idea that when ever you make a decision, you should always make the choice that will do the most for the poor. Well, I have to finish packing for the trip! I might be able to write in California. If not, I'll be back in a few weeks.

Small, beautiful things.

I'm sitting at my desk at work. I'm not doing much today, I already posted a couple hours ago, and I've been thinking a lot since then. I do a lot of that.

List of assignments to make your world better:

1. Kiss somebody so hard you leave a lipstick mark on their face.

2. Bake cookies with someone you don't often get an opportunity to see.

3. Talk about something difficult with somebody you love.

4. Take a picture of the sun.

5. Make your own windchimes and hang them in a public place so all can enjoy them.

6. Say you're sorry.

7. Tell someone you love them.

8. Smile at a stranger.

9. Draw a picture of something that makes you happy.

10. Have a sack race.

11. Fingerpaint.

12. Tell everybody the truth.

13. Learn how to knit.

14. Take some artsy photos.

15. Buy something you've had your eye on for a while.

16. Don't think, just go.

17. Do a portrait of a friend with your eyes closed.

18. Tip the guy behind the counter.

19. Hold hands with somebody.

20. Play pattycake.

21. Teach something to a child.

22. Build something of your own imagining.

23. Ruffle someone's hair.

24. Give everybody you love a nickname.

25. Spend less time online.

26. Be nice to your mom and dad. They really do want what's best for you.

27. Call that person you haven't spoken to in a while.

28. Remind somebody they're valuable.

29. Pet a cat.

30. Make a piece of jewelry and give it to somebody.

Oh, my teenage problems...

So yesterday, I had one of those moments that start out as seemingly meaningless that turn into something pretty defining.
I broke up with "Trub" yesterday after about 2 dates and a week or two of being his "girlfriend." I've had worse breakups, and being the dumper sucks almost as much as being the dumpee. I just hate hurting people. Especially people I care about, like Trub.
My question is, why couldn't I let myself fall for him like he did me? Did I quit because I'm scared of getting hurt? I like to think that wasn't the case, because I've definitely had intense infatuation since last summer.
Trub said he was "disappointed." Which is worse than mad, in my mind... I can't stand seeing sadness in somebody's features and knowing I'm the cause. I'd rather punch myself in the eyes repeatedly.
I had a really hard time explaining myself to him. I had it all planned out, too. I knew what I wanted to say. But when the time finally came, I stuttered and second guessed and tripped over my words like mad. I may have the gift of eloquence in everyday life, but when it really counts, I sound like an illiterate moron.

Oh, The Blisters

Home at last! I have returned from a weekend camping adventure with two of my friends a few other people. It was very intense. We had a five hour rafting trip that left me soaking wet and blistered. But it was worth it. Later, as I was laying in the hammock, relaxing, I got beaned in the head by a rock. I have a very nice cut on my forehead now to prove it!
On an other note, my messed up teenage life. I've been talking with my ex-girlfriend and we got talking about these guys she's into. Was it weird? You bet! But that's life. And it's not as awkward as it should be. But it's pretty odd. Just overall having an interesting time. Well, back to watching senseless TV on the Internet.

Blagging is fun?

Kaitlin here. I thought the name Vashta Narada would be more cool and mysterious, because I'm all about that apparently.
I'm new to the blagosphere. Please excuse any glaring mistakes or offenses. I'll do my best.

Self-Enforced Idleness

Ok. So I've had a weird summer so far. Wonderful, but weird. During the school year I have very little free time, what with all my extra crap and whatnot. And during the last few summers, I've kept myself pretty well occupied. But this summer I don't have any camp, no volunteering (yet), and a job that's only on the weekends. It's wonderful! But it is also kind of odd. I stay up late and sleep in till noon. I haven't done anything productive all summer. Until today that is. I cleaned up the yard, did the laundry, and did a bunch of office work for my mom. Not a bad day's work. But some self-enforced idleness is a good thing. Or so they tell me...so hopefully this productiveness will not become a pattern.

The hardest work is to go idle. ~Yiddish Proverb

4th of July

Happy Independence Day!

Fix Not Our Desires

"We should not fix our desires on health or sickness, wealth or poverty, success or failure, a long life or a short one." -St. Ignatius